I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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