toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This girl is more easily done than said...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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