Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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