just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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