So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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