First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
