I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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