Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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