respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
