I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
