I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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