can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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