Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
