just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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