someone owes me an orgasm
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
