Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
