not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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