There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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