my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
