My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
