theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
