People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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