my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
