3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
