if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
