mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
These tits shall not be calmed
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