i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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