I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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