Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
