Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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