i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
