can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your cock deserves a montage
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I pour the whiskey from now on
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
