I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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