Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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