Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
