i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
