I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize