His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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