i think my mom watched the whole time
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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