I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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