When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
