We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
