i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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