1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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