i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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