you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize