Just mADE A PArabola og urine
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
