Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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