I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
