I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
