where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize