dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
