I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm getting married
To pizza
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
