Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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