Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
