ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
