I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
