bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
