Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize