she smelled like a LAN party
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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