i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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