Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
