Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
